


Haunted

by No_Illusions



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, No Beta, TW: disordered eating, but then he comes back, everyone's mental state is messed up, nicky's mental state is really messed up, sorry team, starts as joe whump ends as nicky whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:13:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25832587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/No_Illusions/pseuds/No_Illusions
Summary: It was after a particularly rough mission that Nile learned Nicky’s secret.tw: disordered eating, graphic depictions of violence, temporary character death.
Relationships: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 34
Kudos: 596





	Haunted

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the tags for warnings.

It was after a particularly rough mission that Nile learned Nicky’s secret.

The mission had ended messily, as they so often did. Joe had taken a grenade to the stomach -- a grenade meant for Andy. Nile had never seen someone blown up by a grenade before, except for Booker the day they met. But this made that look like a love tap.

The fight had ended quickly after that. Nicky had grown still and quiet for a moment, then drawn his sword. The remaining half dozen men were down in an instant, no matter that they were highly trained and fully armed ex-special ops. No training or high tech gear could stop Nicky and his sword, not when Joe was down.

Andy and Nile were by Joe’s side before the last man fell, and Nicky was there an instant later. There was something on his face that looked a bit like brain matter. Nile looked away quickly, back down at Joe, but what she saw there was worse.

Joe was… well, mostly gone, actually. His torso was a mess, more organs than skin. His head was mostly there, but he was missing an ear and part of his nose. Nile couldn’t see the other damage beneath the blood, and was glad for it. And she refused to look around the room for his limbs, which were… gone. Not there at all. Stumps of broken bone and blood and torn muscle. She turned away, and vomited. A moment later, she felt Andy’s hand gripping her shoulder, but a quick glance told her Andy wasn’t looking at her, was still staring intently at the carnage that had once been Joe.

Nicky was frozen. He looked like a statue, drenched in blood and holding a sword, his face a mask of anguish and pain and fear and horror so intense that Nile quickly looked away, back towards Joe.

Joe, who hadn’t woken up yet.

Nicky was muttering something now, still frozen, his lips barely moving, eyes wide with horror and a wild look that Nile had never seen on his face before.

“Come on, Joe, come on,” Andy whispered, all her focus on Joe.

Nile just knelt there next to her own vomit, frozen, trying desperately not to cry or scream or swear, as though somehow that would distract Joe from the very focus-intensive task of not being dead.

It took five minutes. Five minutes, until Joe’s eyes flew open and his gasp was cut short by hitched breath and then a scream of pain that sounded a bit like Nicky’s name.

Nicky fell towards him, like a marionette with its strings cut, literally collapsing onto the concrete beside Joe with a crack that could only be his kneecaps fracturing. Nicky didn’t even blink, but instead began talking in Italian too fast for Nile to understand, the only recognizable word “Yusuf,” every couple of seconds.

Joe kept screaming. His back arched in pain, his mouth open and his eyes locked on Nicky’s, panic and fear and absolute agony evident in gaze. His limbs were regrowing. At the sight, and the screams, Nile turned aside and vomited again. Andy was at his other side, opposite Nicky, but she didn’t touch him. Nicky was now stroking Joe’s face even as Joe screamed and tears ran down both of their faces.

After she’d wiped her mouth on her truly disgusting sleeve, Nile crawled forward, reaching out to Joe, wishing she could offer him some comfort. But suddenly Andy was there, with an iron grip on Nile’s outstretched wrist.

“Don’t touch him,” Andy said quietly. Nile’s brows furrowed in confusion as she glanced at Nicky, whose other hand was resting on Joe’s newly regrown shoulder. Clearly understanding her confusion, Andy clarified. “Joe wouldn’t mind. But Nicky….” Nile looked again at Nicky, spattered in gore, unsheathed blade still by his side. Nicky would probably kill anyone, anyone at all, who came for Joe now, Nile realized. She nodded at Andy, and the two women sat back on their heels. Still, Joe screamed.

It only took ten minutes for Joe’s limbs to finish regrowing. Overall, Nile knew, that was a ridiculously short time. But it was only for the last two minutes or so that Joe stopped screaming, his breath shuddering and hitching in his chest, his body shaking as the last remnants of skin knit themselves over muscle. His clothing was mostly gone, ripped away by the blast, so the process was all too clear.

As soon as it was done, Joe rolled himself towards Nicky, with a heartbreaking honest-to-god whimper. Nicky folded himself over Joe, as though he could shield him from the world. Still, Nicky was whispering in Italian, Arabic, half a dozen languages, Nile thought, although she couldn’t be sure what most of them were.

Andy stood up, staggering slightly as whatever minor wounds she had taken during the fight made themselves known. Nile shot up beside her, trying to subtly hover, ready to catch their boss should she fall. Andy shot her a look that was half amused, half exasperated.  
“I’m fine,” she said. “Let’s clean up here, get ready to go.” Nile nodded, and the two women left Nicky and Joe to their whispered conversation.

__

By the time they got back to the safe house, Joe seemed alright. He had been limping on the way to the car as his newly grown nerves finished sorting themselves out, but he was walking alright now. He looked exhausted, though, eyes shadowed and expression saying he could sleep for a week. Nile wasn’t sure if it was physically draining to regrow that many limbs, or if it was just the memory of the pain that made him look so tired, and she certainly wasn’t about to ask.

Nicky, however, looked truly awful. He was still completely coated in blood, leaving streaks of it in the car and on Joe as he hovered by his husband’s side, always maintaining physical contact between them. But his eyes were… dead. His face was a frozen, expressionless mask, and his stare was unfocused, haunted, as he guided Joe towards the bathroom, presumably to get them both cleaned up.

__

Nile had assumed that was the end of it, and it took her a day or so to realize that she was wrong. Sure, when they’d emerged from their shower, both Joe and Nicky had still looked haunted, but the lack of blood was a major improvement, and they had exchanged brief words with the women before falling asleep in each other’s arms. They were still asleep for dinner, which tonight consisted of scrambled eggs and toast -- Nicky was the cook of the group, after all. Nile and Andy didn’t talk about what had happened to Joe, instead eating in silence before Nile went to bed, exhausted. Andy would follow in her own time.

They were woken twice that night by first Joe’s, then Nicky’s, nightmares. Still, even that was not unusual, especially after a bad mission.

In the morning, they seemed even better, although Nicky in particular was still quiet.

It wasn’t until after dinner -- Nicky had cooked one of Joe’s favorite dishes -- that Nile realized.

When Nicky and Joe retreated to the bedroom, closing the door behind them in a clear signal that they were to be left alone, Nile approached Andy hesitantly.

“Andy,” she said. The older woman looked up at her, breaking off the staring contest she’d been having with a miscellaneous stain on the wallpaper. She raised her eyebrows, waiting for Nile to continue.

Nile took a deep breath. “Nicky,” she said, and Andy stilled, her gaze somehow sharpening. “Why hasn’t Nicky eaten anything today?”

Nicky had sat with them at all of their meals, of course. But something had been off, and it wasn’t until dinner that Nile had realized what. It was very subtle, the way Nicky put food on his fork, lifted it up to his mouth, but then seemed to get distracted before he could take a bite. He’d jump into the conversation like it was the most natural thing in the world, putting his fork down, food untouched, as he leaned forward to tease Nile or flirt with Joe. But he hadn’t actually eaten a single bite throughout dinner, and, Nile realized retrospectively, he had done the same thing at breakfast and lunch. He hadn’t eaten a single bite of food since before the mission yesterday.

Andy sighed, and closed her eyes briefly, before opening them and looking over towards the bedroom door sadly.

“I think he was hoping you wouldn’t notice,” she said softly. Nile frowned.

“But not that you or Joe wouldn’t?” she asked.

Andy gave a lopsided smile. “He knows he can’t hide it from us. We know what to look for.”

“What is… it?” asked Nile.

Andy leaned back in her chair. “I think it started when he was a priest, before the crusades,” she said musingly. “Not that I’ve ever asked him directly. But the Catholic church, then as now, was very strict. Very into self-punishment. Including fasting.”

Nile blinked. “He’s… fasting?”

Andy grimaced. “No. He’s starving himself.”

“Why?” Nile asked, horrified.

“We all deal with this differently. With our lives. Immortality.” Andy laughed hollowly. “Mortality, in my case now, I guess. The pain of it all. But I drink, and I fight. Joe expresses himself externally. He loses his temper, he makes sappy speeches about Nicky. Nicky, though. Nicky keeps things internal. He has so much kindness, so much hope for this world. After all these years...”

Andy trailed off, and Nile nodded. She had noticed before how they all coped. Joe and Nicky in particular were complete opposites in that regard. Joe wore his heart on his sleeve, his love for Nicky always proclaimed in every way possible. But also his anger, his hurt. Nile remembered how Joe had been right after Booker had betrayed them. His pain, his anger, had been so evident, and he had seemed unable to push it down, to let it go for even an instant once the job was done.

Nicky, however, had been stoic as always. While Joe fumed and swore and glared daggers at Book, Nicky smiled and greeted passersby, helped little old ladies cross the street, asked the store clerk if she was having a good day and then listened to the answer with all the care he listened to everyone else. As though he weren’t hurt at all.

“You said… self-punishment,” Nile said slowly. “Is he punishing himself for what happened to Joe? Why?”

“It’s not that simple, or that logical. When Nicky is upset,”explained Andy, “he directs his anger, or his pain, inwards.” Nile thought of the haunted look in Nicky’s eyes. “He doesn’t lash out at the rest of the world. He is far too controlled for that. Instead, he punishes himself. And he does that by not eating.”

“How long?” asked Nile. “Um, how long will he go without eating?”

Andy shrugged. “Joe will probably have convinced him to eat something by tomorrow morning. It might not be much. A smoothie, maybe. Or some hot chocolate. But enough to keep living. It can be anywhere from a few days to a few months before his eating returns to normal. It just depends on his state of mind.”

“You can’t, I dunno, force him to eat?”

Andy smiled sadly. “No. We can’t -- or won’t -- force it. It wouldn’t help. He’s only died of it once, that I know of, and that was in the very early days. Usually he has enough control to eat something before it comes to that, for Joe's sake if not his own. And forcing it wouldn’t help his mental state any. It would just increase the pain, I think. Add anger at us to the self-loathing. He knows he has to eat before missions, though. I won’t allow him into the field if he’s in danger of passing out or making impaired decisions.”

Nile nodded slowly.

“Will it ever… has it ever… gotten better?” she asked hesitantly.

“It’s gotten better over the years, a bit, yeah,” replied Andy. “The first couple hundred years were the worst, certainly, as he came to terms with everything. Immortality. Joe. All of it. But I doubt it will ever truly go away. He can go years now, decades sometimes, without it being an issue. But the things we see, the things we involve ourselves in… It was bad right after World War II. Then we were in the U.S. after 9/11, and Joe got attacked on the streets once, by righteous Christians.” Nile grimaced. She didn’t remember 9/11, she’d been too young, but she could imagine how awful it would have been to be a gay Muslim man in the direct aftermath of it all. “It was bad after that. I think Nicky was reminded of the crusades. There were other bad times too…” Andy paused, flickers of old pain chasing their way across her face. “But he always gets through it.”

“And yesterday?”

Andy sighed. “It was a bad death. And Nicky feels like he has to be strong for Joe. But listening to Joe scream like that….” Andy clenched her jaw for a moment. “It was bad, for you and me. It was so much worse for Nicky. It was torture for him. And now he needs to put that pain, those memories, that fear and anger somewhere. The people who did it are dead. And Nicky is too controlled, too principled, to take it out on us. So instead, he takes it out on himself.”

“What can we do?” asked Nile.

Another sad smile. “Support him. Be there for him. No need to call him out on it, he knows we know. He’ll find his equilibrium again.”

“I don’t want Nicky to hurt himself,” whispered Nile. She had trouble imaging how Nicky, always so kind and loving, could hate anyone that much, especially himself.

Andy looked like she was about to say something else, before a sound behind them had them both spinning around. Nile dropped her eyes when she saw Nicky in the doorway of the bedroom, Joe behind him. The pained expression on Nicky’s face hurt her heart. He looked… ashamed. She’d never seen him look ashamed before.

“I am sorry, Nile,” he said softly.

Nile’s head shot up, and she looked at him in bewilderment. “Why are you sorry?” she asked.

“I didn’t mean to worry you,” he replied, looking away from her.

Joe’s face took on a pained expression, and he moved to take a step forward, as though to shield Nicky from this conversation. Nile squared her shoulders.

“Nicky, look at me.” Slowly, Nicky looked. His eyes were shadowed, hollow, haunted. Almost a thousand years, Nile thought. A thousand years, and this is where he has put all his shame, all his pain, his grief, his confusion, his anger, his faith. A thousand years of emotion, directed inside at himself, in a desperate attempt to hurt no one else.

Nile took a deep breath, holding his gaze with her own, trying to project all of the love she felt for this man she had known for so little time, the appreciation she felt for him. “I just wanted to make sure you were alright. But it sounds like you will be. I’m not upset.” This last was a tiny lie, but the almost imperceptible relaxation of Nicky’s shoulders showed her that she was right to tell it. Certainly, she wasn’t upset with him.

Nile eyed him consideringly for a moment, then asked, “May I have a hug?” Nicky’s shoulders relaxed even further, and he nodded. Nile grinned. She’d been pretty certain a hug wouldn’t hurt him, because it didn’t seem like this was about his body at all, and Nicky really did give the best hugs.

As his arms wrapped around her, Nile noticed that Nicky was shaking slightly. Hunger, she realized. She squeezed him harder, and he squeezed back, leaning down to rest his head on her shoulder. Behind him, Joe smiled at her, and Nile rapidly blinked the tears from her eyes as Nicky moved to pull away.

“Come watch TV,” said Andy, as though it wasn’t a well-known fact that Andy hated TV.

A few hours later, Nile saw Nicky and Joe look at each other. Nicky nodded slightly, and Joe got up, then came back with a cup. A smoothie, Nile realized. He handed it to Nicky, and Nicky began drinking it, eyes fixed on the television, body tense. Joe and Andy started arguing about something inconsequential, and Nile let herself join in, noting the way Nicky relaxed, sipping his smoothie with a slight smile on his face as he watched his team -- his family -- live their lives. Internally, Nile nodded to herself. Nicky would be alright. She and the others would see to it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Please note that this is only one depiction of how/why disordered eating happens, and is in no way meant to represent everyone's experience.


End file.
